Why is their X crazy?

Everyone nowadays talks about their exes being crazy and acting crazy. This has been the butt of the online dating joke since I was in middle school. It was easy then to divide the blame on that person’s mental health. For this article, your partner's name is ‘Finn’, so be a good sport and play along.

Now you and Finn are new in a talking stage. You haven’t made it to situationship so don’t get too excited, but on your way there they say, “No I don’t talk to my exes, they’re all crazy”. You stop for a moment and you feel your heart stop on a needle. Finn has just said a forbidden phrase you must now decipher. You take pause, and contemplate you have no way to verify if that person is struggling or not. Plus, there is now this super easy excuse that writes off blame and responsibility, for Finn. 

This excuse can and typically does cause further issues in a relationship. Most men will tell you it means nothing. Psychology Today weighed in on the issue and offered a few out of countless things it could mean, such as “their capacity for rational thinking”; “degree of black and white thinking”; “their capacity for empathy.” (Psychology Today) This all reflects back to the issue of responsibility in the relationship and the role they played in it. Rational thinking dictates that everyone has room for improvement, hindsight is 20/20.This black and white thinking is the main thing that reflects someone who is struggling with responsibility and change. Their capacity to have empathy for their previous partner’s mistakes and shortcomings. 

Before anyone emails me an angry letter regarding their ex, who is now in a padded cell. Yes there are exceptions to the rule. There are too many “exceptions” going around and not enough responsibility. Now this is an issue for anyone who has a romantic interest, so don’t get offended.

The surface of this issue has another skating layer, with the possibility he knows he mistreated her. There is a lot of grace given to men who seemingly practice weaponized incompetence. These excuses range from ‘he isn’t a mind reader’ to ‘boys will be boys’ and even more than those. Nobody wants a partner who is a mind reader, but almost everyone wants a partner that knows them. To fully know them is to understand their day to day, and try to actively make it better without instructions. 

On a deeper level, your current partner may use that excuse to cope. Finn may have been ghosted or cheated on, and this excuse is easier. In this late stage capitalistic world individualism communication regarding issues is scarce. Finn may have been blindsided by issues that were bubbling up and were never communicated. The difficult part is this is the emotional court of law, where you won’t convince someone until their heart is convinced too.

As someone who is still learning, just know your heart wasn’t present in the previous relationship. You didn’t know Finn before you met him and his soul didn’t know yours either. You are both just two damaged people who are doing your best to make healthy decisions. Mistakes will be made but the genuine drive and desire to be and do better for each other, should be the main constant.